However, besides just wanting to express my passion, part of my (at first unconscious) motivation in doing so was because I also wanted to find validation from others in how I felt. It wasn't enough that I felt the way I did, I needed others to do so as well. I wanted to be accepted and having others agree with me is how I measured that acceptance. Many times, others did agree as I was often told I am a convincing speaker, however, if others didn't agree with my view, I would begin to doubt myself and I would find myself modifying my perceptions to more closely match theirs.
But when this revelation to beat all revelations happened last November, I was so profoundly affected that I could hardly speak at all, at least not in a way that I could coherently and accurately convey what was happening to me. I'm not used to that and it was frustrating! I tripped over my own tongue a lot in the few conversations I had with friends at that time. So when God encouraged me to write it out in the form of this blog, I didn't hesitate to put my fingers to this keyboard and just start typing and typing and I didn't pick them up until I had gotten it all out.
In doing so, what came out was raw and unedited and unfortunately, upset several people in my life who most decidely did not agree with what I have shared here. Part of what was objected to is the WAY in which I refer to my previous beliefs (their beliefs) which was seen as negative and dismissive. In a few instances, I agree. It is one thing for me to no longer agree with those beliefs, but another for me to belittle them. I feel that there were several posts where I crossed that line and for that, I publically apologize.
But in the rest of the posts, my expressions of disagreement simply come from the fact that what I believed before is fundamentally at odds with what I now hold to be true. By their very nature, they cannot both be true at the same time. I thought that this would be self evident but maybe it's not. And now I find myself in a position where I am challenged to stand firm without compromise on what I know to be true, even if it means I will not be accepted or validated. To proclaim and declare this wonderful revelation even if nobody else is there to listen. This is definitely new territory for me.
But because of my profound love for God and what He Himself, by His Grace, has so amazingly revealed to me, I declare, without hesitation and with a commitment I have never before had, the following statements of what I hold to be Truth:
1. There is one Supreme God who is much greater than I.
2. I was separated from God because of sin. And I could not, in my own power, rectify this separation.
3. There is an eternal heaven and hell and the sole/soul purpose of free will is to choose one or the other (my will vs His will).
4. It is ONLY through acknowledging the work that Jesus did on the cross, His death and ressurection that paid the price for my sin, that I am able to be reconciled with God.
5. The bible is the complete Word of God and contains the absolute Truth.
Before Nov 11th, 2010, these words felt repulsive and cold to me. I rejected them because of their seemingly narrow, conditional and limited nature as well as the fact that it would mean that I was not at all in control of my own life. In addition, it meant that I was not actually connected with God and I certainly felt I had had experiences up to that point that told me I was.
I was SO wrong......
It was not until this experience and in the days since, that I realized the VAST difference between what I thought being connected was and what it truly is. There is simply no comparison. And now, I see these statements above as some of the most beautiful, unconditionally loving and grace-filled words I could ever, ever hear.
In the next few blog posts, I would like to express why I feel this is so.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you. Thank you for opening my eyes and ears to the Truth of your words. Thank you for the Grace of your Presence that illuminated my heart and soul with their full meaning. You are a most amazing, awesome, loving, caring Father who took care of every single detail in my life so that I would be guided to the moment that I surrendered to your most perfect Love. Your Loving Presence not only convicted me of my true nature without you, in sin, but poured out the Truth to me of your most wonderous and loving solution, through Your Son, Jesus Christ, so that I could truly be connected with You. A gift that even a lifetime of contemplating could never be fully understood. And for as long as I live, I will speak of this Gift and the unfathomable Love you demonstrate through the giving of it. With every breath I take, I will exhale praises to You as it is my Joy to do so. Even unto my last day, in my last breath, as I transition into your full Presence, I will sigh... "I Love You." Amen.
|I LOVE YOU|