Thursday, December 2, 2010

The day it all began - Love Moves

On Nov. 11th, 2010 my life was irrevocably changed.  Forever.  It began as a small spark inside, an insight, a revelation and it has been growing and growing with conviction ever since.  Prior to this day, my belief was that I, myself, was God also and that I, on my own power, was able to clear/heal/purify myself through a connection with my higher self/divine self. I called it "peeling the onion."  I believed that I was "ascending" through this process and transforming into a divine human and that by doing so, I would be assisting the world to do the same.

The day began like any other ordinary day.  I had no pressing concerns, nor was I pondering any kind of "thought provoking" things.  In fact, I was simply trying to decide whether I was going to do my exercise work out or just get in the shower and get on with my day.  The phone rang and it was my mom.  I sat on the couch, still in my pajamas and hit the mute button on the TV.  The closed captioned screen came up and I read it while half listening to my mom.  (sorry mom!) She was talking about a book she had dug up that she hadn't read in a long time and because I was only half listening, I didn't catch all what she was saying, but at one point, she said something like "you know, Jesus didn't HAVE to do what He did on the cross......He had the power to stop it at any time.......He had the powers of God....He WAS God......and He could have stopped it all.....but He chose not to because of His love for the Father and for us."  

And I had this thought: 

"God created man in His image...and gave him all the powers to be like God......  But God also gave us free with these 2 gifts, what is the best way I could use them?" 

(EDIT:  keep in mind, this thought arose from my understanding at the time that I was somehow God already which is why I speak of "having the powers of God"  God spoke to me where I was at and used it as a "bridge" which carried me over into Truth).

And then:

The GREATEST use of that free will would be to surrender all that He gave me, all that I am capable of AS God....back TO God.

And it was like a small "pop" went off inside of me.  That's the only way I know how to describe something popped.  Everything that I am about to describe to you in the rest of these posts, occurred in the moment of that pop.  And yet it took days......I can't tell you why that is.  All I know is in that moment, I began to cry, much to the surprise of my mom!  I rambled something like "you have no idea how huge that was........" And I'm sure she was thinking "what was?"  And I was just crying so she said "well, just get it all out..."  I could tell she was kinda confused but then my sobs subsided and then she just kept on talking about whatever, I don't really remember (sorry again mom!  LOL!)....but inside of me, a whole new cascade of new, hard to put into words, thoughts went through me.

I tried my best to put it into words, albeit a bit disjointedly, in my journal entry for that day:

 Today, I had a huge....something...revelation.....illumination.......  All I know is it hit me VERY deep and changed me irrevocably. 

It started with this thought:

God created man in His image...and gave him all the powers to be like God......a gift beyond measure.  But God also gave us free with these 2 gifts, what is the best way I could use them?"  The GREATEST use of that free will would be to surrender all that He gave me, all that I am capable of AS God....back TO God.

 There is something about this thought that absolutely brings me to my knees inside.....I can't explain feels freeing, joyful, like oh man I can finally REST!  I can REALLY let go and surrender.  In fact,  it's not even a thought, it's like a compulsion to just let myself surrender completely.  

Best way I know how to describe it is this:

Yes, we are "God Also"......and we can do many wonderful things with that....even miracles.......but when it is done only for the "glory" of ourselves (ie through our "higher self" or "divine self")....we close the loop....become a closed circuit...connected to nothing........and we spin, and spin and spin, and get nowhere.........and a snake eating its own tail.....we destroy ourselves.  

So the visual would be:

O     O

One is God and one is us...completely that is sad.....

There has to be something to tap connect to.....beyond myself, for those kinds of powers/gifts to MEAN anything.  My will for those powers and God's will are two totally different things.......yet how would that be for God to work THROUGH me.... AS HIS will......and what would that feel like to surrender completely, to become an open conduit with which all of that Glory can pour through......not for MYSELF......but for the glory of God.   The idea of this just simply brings me to my knees in tears.  Finally, something I can completely let go to, to TRUST so completely and so fully surrender myself to.  It's hard living such an effortful life...where I am constantly "peeling the onion" of my "inner baggage."  I really feel that the onion has no core.......and it will never completely go away......   No matter how far down I will always be there inside.  

What shifted in me is that I now know I can let go of peeling that onion........I can never sufficiently "clear myself."  It is not possible.  I am so freaking ready to let go, surrender and give myself completely to Him.  Just that feeling....that feeling of letting go in complete Trust makes my eyes pour with tears....finally, I. can. Let. Go.  It's not just a head/intellectual thought.... I feel it......just as real as if my body was falling into the warm/safe/loving Hands of God.   Just like that dream I had of Jesus a few years ago.....His arms around me and my head on His chest...sinking so deeply into Eternity....... 

I think the thing that hits me the most today, of what feels different is....there is somewhere for my "focus" to be now....a constant....a home base....a FOUNDATION (dugh....solid rock vs shifting sands....totally get it now!  LOL!).....there's a beacon that I can now see/feel that I can trust to remain constant and present.   Boy have I had, in these last 10 years the experience of shifting beacons!!  First it's this thing, then that thing, then this group or that concept/philosophy....yea...all worldly things.....even "my own higher self"  was constantly shifting...and frankly way too amorphous a thing to ever have any substance.  Probably cuz it doesn’t exist!  LOLOL (omg I’m bustin a gut).... But this......this feeling....this sense of groundedness, real, tangible, unmoved yet always moving (wow, get that now too!!) safe, strong, solid, so freaking present...(omnipresent? oh man..get that now too!!)'s so solid.  And if I look away, but look back again, it's still there, it doesn't morph or shift on me.  It's ever present.....I don't have to go looking for it or "reconnect" with's just always there.  yea..ok...I get it now.  (I'm laughing so hard!!  LOL!). 

When I get still....focus upon God.......It moves......That's the thing.  Love Moves.  But it cannot move like that without somewhere for it to move TO.  All this time I've been "moving love within myself."  Self love, Self-aware, self this, self that....It's a closed circuit.   God's Love is meant to move THROUGH me....and in return, I give up all that I am, every single solitary last thing.....and give that Love back to that I can be an open and empty vessel for His love to move through. Like a dance.  Love Moves.  Just like I have discovered with sound......

With hearing in only one ear....sound is flat, shapeless, dense, feels like a very thick doughy pancake or bread that did not rise properly before being baked.  Thick, dense, flat.

With hearing in 2 ears now, I have discovered the SPACE BETWEEN sound....which is so incredibly the notes MOVE......the dance that occurs there IS the magic....because quite frankly there are only 8 notes in any given scale.....come on.....not much there to create infinite variety from, right? how is it that music has remained so unique, renewable after all this time?  It is because of the space between sound.....where the dance occurs.......where the magic is what happens in that space that makes me cry.  

And it is the same with God.  Love Moves.  Love moves from God to me through the Holy Spirit, I in turn, surrender that Love back unto Him, , and that is the dance. And the miracles created from that are the waves that are sent out into the world to witness.

OMG....I just realized what the "open circuit" image looks like when the connection is wide open.....

It's the infinity symbol........

And I just realized I can't type that with keyboard characters......the best I can get is:


There is a block to this connection.  The onion.  That is what keeps me separate from God. I've been busy all this time, peeling away at that bottomless onion all by myself, thinking I WAS God or becoming God by peeling that onion.....  Spinning in my own circle, thinking "God was Within" when all along, I was separate from Him.

It just hit me....what makes the two circles above connect (God and I)..........

Jesus.   Jesus takes the entire onion and moves it out of the way.  He IS the Way.....

THIS.....OMG........this makes whole new ways........on so many levels.....oh man,  I cannot even type anymore. 


Part 2 - Sweet Surrender 


  1. You go girl! I love your blog. I will come here frequently.

  2. This reminds me of the verse in Jeremiah 31:
    I will put My law in their minds, and write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 34 No more shall every man teach his neighbor, and every man his brother, saying, ‘Know the LORD,’ for they all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them, says the LORD.