Friday, December 3, 2010

Sweet Surrender

For the next 2 or so days after writing the journal entry I posted in my last post, I experienced only what I can call a "cascading" within me.  This is going to be the hardest part to describe in words.

The crack that had opened in me, especially when I had the thought that Jesus was the one to remove the onion completely, started getting bigger and wider.  I love visuals so I am going to try and describe this with pictures/visuals that you can "see."

The onion is a term I use to refer to what some call baggage/issues/limitations/blockages others call karma and the bible calls sin.  All describe a state that keeps us from experiencing God fully.   For the sake of keeping words from distracting from what I am trying to convey, I am going to use the term onion.

For years, I've been peeling and peeling and peeling that onion, layer by layer.  Thinking it was getting smaller and smaller, that I was getting closer and closer to the core.  But what I've discovered is there is always more and more to the layers.  It's a never ending process.   I used to think, man I wish this onion would just be DONE already!  I'm DONE!  My friends and I would exclaim that a lot.  I am done! I can't figure this out!  I give up!!!  I surrender!  

I surrender.
....... surrender?  

To what?  How?  How do you let go of the onion? Can you?  Well, there are a lot of ideas/concepts out there that say you can.  And I tried many of them.  There was nothing else I COULD do.  Because deep down inside, there was a keep going.....keep searching......keep reaching out.....a desire, to connect, with SOMETHING......but that darned onion was always there in the way of I kept peeling.

One concept I tried is something called "Busting Loose."  It states that our whole life/ experience/existence is a hologram that is "projected to us" from our "expanded self" and that there is "cloud cover" that prevents us from being totally aware and connected to that expanded self.  That our job is to "bust through" the cloud cover by "draining the eggs of limitation" and "taking back our power" from it so that we can become one with that expanded self and eventually become the conscious creator of our reality/hologram.

At other times I referred to myself as a "lightworker" and that I was here to ascend beyond the 3rd dimension while still in human form and to assist the earth to do so as well.  In order to do that,  I worked on clearing my blocks/limitations that were preventing me from bringing in my divinity which was out there waiting for me to be clear enough for it to come in.  In this way, I would become a "Divine Human"....God walking consciously on the Earth.  And there were MANY ways to do this, including the idea that the onion/limitations don't even exist at all!  That it was an illusion.  All I had to do was just keep telling myself, it's not there.  There IS no onion.  The idea was that I was already a divine creator but I had just forgotten this.  That I was already complete.  That everything that was occurring in my life and in the world around me were simply experiences that I chose to have and the world chose to have therefore, it was all good.  Even the "bad" was good because bad/darkness was just misunderstood light.

There were many other variations that  I tried as well but none of them ever worked very long........that onion was always there, waiting to be peeled some more.

So when it hit me, that there was a possibility for that onion to TRULY be gone, for REAL and that I did not have to peel at it any longer.....

I Surrendered.

Now...those are just 2 words on a screen but I am going to do my best to describe this actual experience.   First of all, when I say I surrendered, I didn't just have a thought of "oh, I think I will surrender sounds like a good thing to do."  No, I was compelled......I was was like a something was reaching for I was standing on a cliff, with my back to the edge.....I could not see what was drawing me, but I had TOTAL trust in it.......and I opened my arms wide, my head up to the sky and as if my legs had turned to wet noodles, I let go.....I let go so completely......falling........while inside there was pure pure pure pure TOTAL ASSUREDNESS.   I didn't have to talk myself into it, I didn't have to "work at it", I didn't "consciously choose" it,  I didn't have to think about it, ponder it, I didn't even have to imagine it......It was REAL......I was called...and I was compelled to answer.......because I couldn't do anything else.......and quite frankly, there was nothing else I would have rather done....It was the most REAL experience I have ever had......that surrender.   And as I fell, the joy that welled up in me, the tears, the RELEASE!!!  THIS WAS A TRUE LETTING GO!  And while I fell, a Presence surrounded me and filled me with a peace and joy and KNOWING that I will never be able to describe adequately.

I've sat here for a time now, trying to find more words to describe this.....I can't.  Poets and philosophers have described it, artists have painted it, other's like near death experiencers have tried to express's all of that wrapped up into one.....and then much more.  It was REAL.  I didn't know what real was until I was in this Presence.  Nothing else even comes close to real as this Presence.   Nothing.  I wanted to give EVERYTHING to this Presence.  Every single thing I had.    I cried and cried so much.  The beauty, holiness and sacredness of this Presence was I the poems, they did better than I ever could! 

And then this Presence, which I knew to be God through the Holy Spirit, began to "speak" to me.  When I say I knew it was  God/Holy Spirit, I also get tripped up in trying to describe this knowing.   I've heard about other's who've had experiences like this and how they said they just "knew" but I always thought "oh yea....that's just because it's something they heard about before and they just choose to call it that."   No.  I did not name this Presence.  I did not interpret or decide what It was.  It REVEALED Itself to me as such.   And there was NO doubt.   

For the next 2 days or so (it happened instantaneously and yet over time at the same time.....not even going to try to describe that one...), the Holy Spirit "spoke."  I say spoke but there were no words...yet there was an outpouring....a tremendous, unceasing, soul filling, beyond all description outpouring of Love and Truth straight into my soul.

And this, I shall leave for the next post to try and describe.

Part 3 - The Mother of All Downloads (1) 

1 comment:

  1. So Beautiful... I am at the point where I feel like I am a lightworker trying to work thru my onion layers so I can walk with divine presence. Yet those moments are temporary cause I know there is something more.... more light.... less darkness. More consistency... More joy... More Love.