Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thy Will vs my will
For many years, I played a game of Push/Pull with God. He gently pulled/called me towards Him and said "Let me help you, let me show you the Way." And like a defiant child, I pushed back and said "NO! I can do it myself!"
Myself. My self. Or as I came to call it my Higher Self. I made my own God inside and called it my Higher Self.
And this god told me many things including the fact that I was EQUAL with it, that I needed NOTHING outside of my Self and that I already knew everything, I just forgot that I knew (I was a master in human disguise). I was in total control of my own path (creating my own reality), totally responsible for writing my own rules (my own truth) for my life and was totally competent (sovereign)to realize/manifest my own purpose (produce my own fruit).
4 weeks ago, I was feeling quite fine with this. The only thing that was "niggling" at me was an increasing internal dissatisfaction with not feeling more of a connection with "my divinity." So I would spend time alone, asking for my divinity to come in closer, to make it's presence more known to me. I did "everything in my power" to try and make this happen.
Then I had that first spark thought that maybe by surrendering that power to "my divinity," it would come in closer. Well, it sure came in closer all right (understatement!) but it most certainly wasn't what I thought it would be and NOBODY was MORE surprised than I. I was NOT expecting to find Jesus in the middle of it all. And I most certainly didn't expect to have a cascade of biblical Truth poured into me!
Those who know me know that prior to this, any discussion about Jesus/Christianity/the bible was absolutely NOT up for discussion. Period. You could talk to me about ANY other perspective on spirituality, but NOT that. I thought that anyone who believed in Jesus as a savior was weak, that they were too scared to face themselves and to take responsibility for their own life. That they were copping out of life and letting "some outdated and incomplete book" tell them how to live it.
I am sure many of my friends have asked themselves "what could have POSSIBLY happened to her to make her now choose Christianity?!?!"
If I were truly creating my own reality and writing my own truth for my life, believe me, this would have been the very LAST thing I would have chosen. See, that's the thing. I didn't "choose it." It chose ME. I simply surrendered what I THOUGHT was my "own power" (my will) to what I THOUGHT was "my divinity" (God). And what came pouring in convicted me of a Truth I would have never chosen on my own. It CHANGED me. It literally rewrote me. I don't mean this symbolically. I mean it literally. Like a brand new operating system in a computer, my very cells have been reformatted. This was FAR more than just a "changing of belief systems" and what did it was definitely FAR greater than any "higher me" I could ever conjure up. And the amazing thing is, although the intensity of the experience has waned, the conviction has NOT. It is STILL True and will always be because it is written on my soul.
What I find utterly ironic is that I am now "one of those" that I so often dismissed before. The one's who told me I was a naive fool to believe in "those new age concepts" but who also had no idea what they were talking about because they had never studied it. I feel I'm in a bit of a different position though because I've actually been "there" and done "that" and I DO know what new age is all about. The funny thing is, so much of it has truth in it....but 99% truth is not Truth. The 1% that makes ALL the difference is that new age is all about doing things on one's own power, in one's own will. That somehow we, ourselves, know what is best for ourselves and for the world.
After having this experience, this idea now feels utterly arrogant and embarrassing. Believing that I know what's best for the world or how to "ascend myself" is like looking at a blade of grass and thinking I understand the mind of God:
When all around me is a vast, neverending forest that goes on into infinity:
No. There is no comparison. God's will definitely trumps my own.
I now know that it is our nature to rebel against God's will. And the results of that rebellion is that I was separated from God. And even if I wanted to, I could not consistently submit to God's will no matter how much I try. This is why Jesus is so important. He came to Earth and lived a perfect life under God's will (the ONLY one to do so). NOT because He was showing us how to do it ourselves (as I used to believe) but because God KNEW we could not do it ourself, therefore Jesus came, as a gift from God, to pay the price for this rebellion. And accepting this gift is what brings us back into union with God.
My next post(s) will go into some history of how I got from "there" to "here" including what God is working on in me currently (ouch) and how I am getting to know Jesus in ways I never imagined as He walks through it with me.